This is an original that was first played at a live gig he did in 2008, when he was around 18.
It’s so hard to do the right thing sometimes
There are bees and yellow jackets that sting to know they’re alive and then bees and yellow jackets that sting to inflict pain and I can’t promise I won’t be both.
May I wish to live twice as many times as I wish to die.
The spine feels pain because it can’t witness its own beauty, otherwise that would involve a bending of its own body, otherwise it would break itself in order to feel understood. May I always be standing even if I am never understood. I will stand up even if in all the years before I never stood up. I will witness my own beauty. Without any broken bones.
I will not always be kind. I will not always be able to bite my tongue and hold back the fire living inside my mouth that threatens to turn every word into a burning building. But every individual cell will still do its best to put out the flames, until this body is not hot but warm, until this body understands that sometimes spitting fire is worse than swallowing flame.
May I always be a series of riptides that never learn how to flow in the same direction. May I always be full of opposites, may I never be perfect. May I be flawed and flowing in the wrong direction if it will only teach me which one is the right one. May I always be riptides and never tsunamis. I may be monstrous and aching but I never want to tear myself apart.
And sometimes I will be unforgivable. Not just my actions, but me. I will be one stumbling, giant apology that no one knows how to accept. The only thing is that I’ve never accepted myself, so if someone else apologizes to me for the fact that Iam me, then in some way, by proxy, I’ll learn to love myself.
No one can promise other people there won’t be bruises. Whether on the skin or in the heart and me, I will always be bruises. Not just own them but be them. I will be full of holes that others will do their best to fill, but the truth is that maybe I can’t be saved. That doesn’t mean I ever have to stop trying.
I am worth trying.
I am worth stupid silly laughter, sunburns, the kind of sex that feels so good it ends up hurting, that ends with chafed skin, hickeys on inner thighs, I am worth that inner high, I am worth the pulp at the bottom of the orange juice carton, but I was never pulp, I was never the last thing left at the bottom of anything, I don’t deserve rock bottom, I am not leftovers.
Try to kill me once but I’ve already tried to kill myself more than twice already, I will be ready for anything and everything you throw at me.
I’m gonna live. I’m gonna make it.
- Meggie Royer
these days it’s as though you expect the worst, because it’s all you’ve been tasting
the bitterness, the poison
and though crept by fear, something inside of you pushes for more
for justice, for revenge, for closure
it pains you when you have a sudden realization that you may never achieve those things
that the nights are long, and may grow longer
that the dreams are dark, and may blacken
it is chaos
stringing loose ends, pieces that do not fit
lies and shattered dreams, theft and broken hearts
you look to the sky for answers
you look to the ground because of the shame
your eyes scan the distance for security
your guard once again raised, like a country’s flag during war
there is an eternal war
the length between happiness and despair
the barriers that cause the latter